Saturday, October 13

sick :-(

I woke up an hour ago to a funny feeling in my stomach. I sat in the bathroom long enough to realized that I'm feeling very sick in my stomach and there's only 2 ways for it to come out: up or down.

I couldn't go back to bed even when I tried to because my stomach and flu-like feeling through-out my body was bothering me. So I was in and out of the bathroom waiting for something to happen. It must have been about 15-20  minutes later that I found myself facing the toilet puking with all my might everything I ate the night before.

eeww. :-(

Then I felt better. No more stomach pain.

I cleaned up after my mess.

But the flu-like symptoms is still lingering.

I tried to go back to bed but I couldn't go back to sleep even when I tried to closed my eyes harder. My mind started wondering with thoughts.

So I decided to write since I haven't done a good long post in a while.

When I was dignosed with BP earlier this year, it felt like a death sentence to me. When I was told about the diagnosis the first time, I did felt some relief feeling that now at least I know what's been going on with me. All these years of mood swings and depressions added up. The constant quitting of my work after only a few months because when something stressful comes up where I used to work, my way out was to leave abruptly. For five years I must've been back and forth with the same job at least 5-6 times. Miraculously, my manager keeps taking me back. The last time I quit and saw him a few months after I quit, he did asked me if I want to go back and for the first time I said no. Not long after that I had my mania and breakdown episodes that required for me to check into a rehabilitation in where I was finally dignosed with BP....so here I am with my situation today.

When I was at the rehab, the most important thing that I realized was that I am not alone. Never was.

For the first time, I felt connected with people there-- guys and gals of all ages. They have different stories that led them to where they are. Alcoholism, drug addiction, self-mutiliation, low self-esteem, isolation from human and social contact, inability to deal with responsibility and life's stress  .

Both of my doctor & therapist thought it would be good for me to get checked-in. After about two  weeks, I went back see them for a follow-up and we all agreed that they were trying to help me see this side of mental dysfunction caused by chemical-imbalanced.

Since I started taking anti-deprsd  meds, one thing I gained from taking it was confidence in driving. I don't feel nervious or anxious driving. I also started to be myself more, not afraid to speak my mind to strangers. Since I started working four months ago, I don't get this feeling of agitation, hopelessness and irritability anymore. I am more aware of my feelings, behavior and attitude now.

So far so good at my work. I'm still there and have no thoughts of  "walking out" (though I had thought of it once in my first three weeks of working there...) I like the people I work with and whenever I feel it is justified, I speak my mind at work. It also helped me that I have adult  interaction, unlike when I was just staying home, I interacted mostly with cartoon shows. :-)

Well, I'd like to write some more..but I'm feeling sick again in my stomach.

Ugh...

Wishing you all well,
Gem

10 comments:

redsneakz said...

The healing process is a long one, Gem.  You sound as if you've gotten through the hardest part, which is the self-acceptance thing - "Yeah, I've got this chronic disease, I'm gonna fight it."

GOOD!

cinisoul said...

Hope your bug goes away and you get better soon. (Knock on wood) I haven't had a stomach bug since I ate some fish sticks. Hope that at least it wasn't something you ate.

coelha said...

I hope you are feeling better soon.  The receptionist at my work has been gone for a week with the flu, and I think I'm starting to get some symptoms myself.. Ewww..  Take care of yourself Gem!  :)  Julie

jckfrstross said...

please feel better:)

Deb

mutualaide said...

Oh the flu Gem -- that stinks!  Hoping someone will help you hunker down and wait on you hand and foot.  (one can hope)

Thank you for sharing your intimate thoughts on your diagnosis and behavior(s).  It isn't easy I'm sure -- know that you are thought about and cared about.  ;)

tampa0503 said...

Oh Gem...I saw you had posted a comment at 4:30am and (omg) you were sick!

Hope you feel better soon and thank you so much for talking about the BP symptoms you have.  I've had lots of contact with BP, neighbors, family and g/f's.  It's not an easy road. sounds like you are feeling better with meds and therapy...you are doing good!

((hugs)) Bethe

frankandmary said...

I hope you are feeling much better soon.  
I'm glad your posts are getting longer ;-).
~Mary

princesssaurora said...

I am glad that you are doing so well, Gem!  BUT, I am so sorry that you have a stomach flu!  I hope that leaves fast!!!  

be well,
Dawn
http://journals.aol.com/princesssaurora/CarpeDiem/

bgilmore725 said...

Hi Gem... thanks for visiting me again... came by to see how you've been getting along, and you have been sick. Hope you're better by now. I'm hoping to get my flu shot before I get the flu. I have taught kids diagnosed with BP... the ones on meds do well in school... but when parents can't get the meds for whatever reason, it is a horrible situation for the kid and the teachers. I'm glad you found out what was happening to you and were able to get help ... sure makes a difference in life quality. Get better! bea

shermeen0621 said...

Hi Gem, I had no idea this journal existed. Yesterday I tried clicking on the old link I had for you but it said it was a private journal now.

I hate being sick, usually though I just heave but never actually throw up. Thankfully. If I have to pick up or down, i'd go with down! lol! yuck, what a thing to talk about! :)

I'm glad that you're able to connect with people who you can relate to, often in life we do feel all alone. Like nobody else can understand, as much as they might like to. I am glad though that through that you're able to get a handle on all you've been going through and feeling.

Hope you kick that flu!

Shermeen xx