I woke up an hour ago to a funny feeling in my stomach. I sat in the bathroom long enough to realized that I'm feeling very sick in my stomach and there's only 2 ways for it to come out: up or down.
I couldn't go back to bed even when I tried to because my stomach and flu-like feeling through-out my body was bothering me. So I was in and out of the bathroom waiting for something to happen. It must have been about 15-20 minutes later that I found myself facing the toilet puking with all my might everything I ate the night before.
Then I felt better. No more stomach pain.
I cleaned up after my mess.
But the flu-like symptoms is still lingering.
I tried to go back to bed but I couldn't go back to sleep even when I tried to closed my eyes harder. My mind started wondering with thoughts.
So I decided to write since I haven't done a good long post in a while.
When I was dignosed with BP earlier this year, it felt like a death sentence to me. When I was told about the diagnosis the first time, I did felt some relief feeling that now at least I know what's been going on with me. All these years of mood swings and depressions added up. The constant quitting of my work after only a few months because when something stressful comes up where I used to work, my way out was to leave abruptly. For five years I must've been back and forth with the same job at least 5-6 times. Miraculously, my manager keeps taking me back. The last time I quit and saw him a few months after I quit, he did asked me if I want to go back and for the first time I said no. Not long after that I had my mania and breakdown episodes that required for me to check into a rehabilitation in where I was finally dignosed with BP....so here I am with my situation today.
When I was at the rehab, the most important thing that I realized was that I am not alone. Never was.
For the first time, I felt connected with people there-- guys and gals of all ages. They have different stories that led them to where they are. Alcoholism, drug addiction, self-mutiliation, low self-esteem, isolation from human and social contact, inability to deal with responsibility and life's stress .
Both of my doctor & therapist thought it would be good for me to get checked-in. After about two weeks, I went back see them for a follow-up and we all agreed that they were trying to help me see this side of mental dysfunction caused by chemical-imbalanced.
Since I started taking anti-deprsd meds, one thing I gained from taking it was confidence in driving. I don't feel nervious or anxious driving. I also started to be myself more, not afraid to speak my mind to strangers. Since I started working four months ago, I don't get this feeling of agitation, hopelessness and irritability anymore. I am more aware of my feelings, behavior and attitude now.
So far so good at my work. I'm still there and have no thoughts of "walking out" (though I had thought of it once in my first three weeks of working there...) I like the people I work with and whenever I feel it is justified, I speak my mind at work. It also helped me that I have adult interaction, unlike when I was just staying home, I interacted mostly with cartoon shows. :-)
Well, I'd like to write some more..but I'm feeling sick again in my stomach.
Wishing you all well,