Saturday, January 5

The Road To "it"

but first...Krissy of Sometimes I think... is this weeks Guest Editor and my journal is one of her picks for the week.

Thank You So much Krissy :-)

 I had a very unpleasant childhood
.....but the aftermath didn't set in until after my second child was born (undiagnosed postpartum, depressions..and all that dark stuff that came with it) I was abused but I didn't know it or realized it until after I got married and have a family of my own.
I remember when we were still living with my in-laws...she (mom-in-law) had a concern about how I'm going to handle my new child. I didn't understood at that time why she was very concern about was later on I'd realized why..because of my upbringing. As I look back now, my first child and only daughter suffered the consequences of  my past....luckily I have a husband who's upbringing was totally different from my children learned to love unconditionally, and my husband was able to shelter them from me when I started to go "downhill."

I thought I knew "Love" but I really didn't know what it is all about it until I met my husband and his family. I really saw a different side and learned the new meaning of what love and family is. It was not about abuse, favoritism, scandals, working two jobs so I can give her my hard earned money because she "raised me" and embarrassment in front of public (my mom would yell at me and slap me in crowded places).....her ways was the only "world" I knew until I met my husband.

My children are doing great. They have more understanding and knowledge of what's going on around them, way more than what I knew growing up. All I knew then was that you cannot have fun because you'll get beat up with belt by your parents. In my elementary years, there were times I'd walk to school with no slippers on (or sandals/flip-flops-- whatever you want to call it.) My early high school years, my mom would wake me up at 2 am so I can go with her and find things or make food to sell on the streets hence making me miss my school. I was brought up to know that making ends meet was more important than going to school.
When I came here in US, my mom would tell me to "change the date" of the year I was born so I can get a job which I did at Mcdonalds (but the mgr there knew how old I was but back then, I was old enough to work at fast food [14 years old was legal as long as I got a work permit]....not sure if that is still ok today.)
From my first job to my last job before I got married I'd give her ALL  the money I earned from working because she would tell me constantly that she brought me up to this world and raised me therefore I "owe" her my life. When I started dating, Joe [who is my husband now] would asked me why I give her my money I told him because she wants it and that I have to. I can remember the puzzled and slight shock look on his face, which back then I didn't understood.
The day I got married she came to the house where I was getting ready, called me in her car then acted as if she was goingto give me a "gift" but as soon as I reached for it, she let go causing it to fall on the ground and broke to pieces followed with her wishing my marriage to be "badluck" and before taking off, she told me that I'm "dead" to her from that day on.  I allowed her to break my heart on a supposedly a very special day by letting what she had done upset me and cried before my wedding.
Still, she would have the nerve to come around later when I was pregnant with my first child (whom she NEVER acknowledged) , knock on my door to tell me to get some money from the account my husband and I have together and give it to her, I told her I have to ask my husband in which she told me that I don't have to tell him anything. It was that time that I "saw" that something is not right with her telling and making me do something like that. The light bulb switched that day.
I started a new life and moved with my new family thousand miles away. It would be many more years later before I'd "see" or realized that a lot of the things that she'd done to me were abusive. Having children brought out the "imbalanced" in me where I slowly went into depression. But no one in the family could tell. My symptoms were subtle and was a very slooow process yet not subtle enough to my sister-in-law who happened to be a nurse. She mentioned something to the family because on one occasion, I told my husband, I wanted/needed him and kids to go away because I just wanted to be alone (he said ok and went to my in-laws for the weekend who by this time were a few hundred miles away.) When Joe came back, he told me what his sister's thought- that I might be depressed, I didn't know what depression is at that time so I just shrugged my shoulder..and so did my husband.
That was the beginning of many more desires to be alone. By the time the third child arrived, I was on a sleeping mode. As soon as the older kids come home from school, I'd go to bed, lock the door and stay there. I remember thinking and feeling I didn't want to deal with "it" ...that I just wanted to be alone or I just wanted to "go away." I didn't want to deal with anything and anybody.

I just wanted to be alone.
My oldest child,with the help of her brother, would get the baby from the crib that was in my bedroom and take care of him for me until daddy gets home. They knew I didn't want to be disturbed. I'd get by weekdays and weekend with this routine that later on, my daughter would suspect of me having a depressions and tried to tell her dad but because it became a "normal" routine for me, my husband didn't see beyond that. Though He'd come home upset/disappointed because it was another day of not doing laundry or nothing gets done around the house and dinner is scarce. Yet, I will have moments where I feel like I can do anything and things get cleaned up, straightened up and organized around the house.

 Then, back to sleep mode.


lv2trnscrb said...

congrats on being a Guest Editor's pick; I'm so sorry your mom was so abusive to you; I'm so thankful you found love with your husband/his family/children. Depression is a hard illness to have (my daugher has it). I admire you for sharing your story for all to read.


coelha said...

Hi Gem--  I am glad Krissy picked you as the week's guest editor...  The best therapy you can do for yourself is writing about the abuse/depression you've been through.  It takes a lot courage too--I admire you for doing it.  Take care - hugs - Julie

toonguykc said...

Sadness and abuse (in all senses of that word) are devastating to children.  It stays with a person well into their adulthood.  Thank you for this entry.


garnett109 said...

sorry to hear all that

mutualaide said...

Gem, I hope that telling your story here helps you to remember the past but let go of the pain.  Thank you for sharing with us.

helmswondermom said...

Congratulations on being one of Krissy's picks.  I hope that writing about your past helps you tremendously.  I'm sure it will help others who go through depression and its consequences.

malagutigrrl said...

WOW! What an entry!  Excellent and brave of you to write all of this.  I cried when I read about your mother on your wedding day!  
And I get the public humiliation thing.  Ma wasn't exactly a barrel of monkey's either but the one thing that affected me the most and (still has a hold on me in certain areas) is that when I did something "wrong" in public, I heard about wherever I was and so did anyone else within a 1/2 mile radius.  
Hope things continue to get better, you're so lucky to have a husband who hung in rather than a jerk who left when things got tough.  Plus you have support of his family.  God closed a door on your childhood but opened a window to the rest of your life!

mpnaz58 said...

This must have taken much courage to write, let alone acknowledge.  You are on the path of recovery or at least maintaining.  You even sound different from the last time you used to write.  We are shaped by our past, but we are not defined by it.  You had the courage to admit what had happened to you...your husband and his family, who are now your family, sound like loving people.  You are so blessed.
xoxo ~Myra

wwfbison said...

Your entry is captivating reading and hearbreaking as well.  I became upset at what happened to you by your mother on your wedding day, that is truly sad.  I commend you for being able to look within so well and see what is going on and having the courage to bring it into the open.  Congrats on the Editors Choice, it is well deserved.

fisherkristina said...

Sorry to hear about your past.  But I know that you can get passed it!  You are already starting to do that!

Krissy :)

nhd106 said...

Thanks for sharing your heart, and your extreme courage, with us.

nhd106 said...

Thanks for sharing your heart, and your extreme courage, with us.